


'Cause Every Time We Touch, I Get This Feeling

by Sammy_is_obsessed



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst/Fluff, Fluff, Love Confession, M/M, Moceit - Freeform, Touch-Starved, Touch-Starved Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:40:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25726042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammy_is_obsessed/pseuds/Sammy_is_obsessed
Summary: Janus is severely touch-starved and yearning for Patton, yet every time they so much as brush against each other he's near a point of panic.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Moceit, romantic moceit - Relationship
Comments: 34
Kudos: 268





	'Cause Every Time We Touch, I Get This Feeling

Janus doesn’t have a problem. To say as much would be incredibly dramatic, and he is most certainly _never_ one to give into drama. Janus isn’t struggling with anything, he’s merely… frustrated.

This whole _not_ problem is something he doesn’t entirely know the cause of. It isn’t as though Janus hasn’t had the opportunity to partake in touch before. Having lived with Remus for years, it was not uncommon for him to be touched frequently. But more often than not, slimily tentacles sliding around his neck or Remus’s long, unkempt nails on his arm were not sensations he sought out. Even when Virgil had still been in their ranks, he hadn’t been the most touchy-feely person, so Janus wasn’t too terribly used to it.

And that’s fine! Totally, and completely fine! Janus doesn’t need anyone to touch him, he’s perfectly fine with being alone for the rest of his existence.

Except… there’s been a change of arrangements, lately. Janus hadn’t had the highest hopes going into his attempt at acceptance, and yet, somehow, he’d managed to secure a spot at the table. This hadn’t been without consequence, considering how bruised Roman’s ego had been for some time and Virgil’s continued distaste for him as well as Logan’s unspoken anger for being impersonated twice now. Sure, things were getting better with them, but that didn’t distract from the fact that Thomas is listening to him! After years of being repressed, ages of being pushed to the wayside, and seen as the villain, Janus’s opinions are being taken into account! He should be ecstatic, over the moon, jumping for joy!

He isn’t. Not with this… _minimal_ distraction that’s been taking up the whole of his attention lately. This distraction wears round glasses and a cardigan around his shoulders. This distraction fashions friendship bracelets and has a laugh bright, and clear and a sound Janus never recalled adoring so much. This distraction is _very_ touchy-feely person and that is proving to be quite the difficulty.

To say that Patton and Janus haven’t been on good terms in the past would be quite the understatement. As far as Janus was concerned up until very recently, he and Patton were enemies, both with a common goal of Thomas’s well-being while simultaneously working against one another. Patton’s vendetta against lying was something that, understandably, got in Janus’s way. For years, he’d considered his opposition to Patton obligation, as well as something set in stone. Patton was a nuisance in the way of his goals, and in an extension, Thomas’s goal, therefore a friendly relationship with him was simply an impossibility.

An apology from Thomas was one thing, reluctant acceptance from Virgil, Roman, and Logan was another, but what Patton had offered him – well, that just went against everything Janus _thought_ he knew about Patton.

Janus isn't expecting Patton to apologize for all that he’d put him through, he didn't think that Patton would feel the need to say how sincerely _sorry_ he is for seeing him as nothing more than a dirty rotten liar. And he certainly isn’t expecting it when Patton begins to shed a tear when their alone and he’s apologizing, choking up and expressing how _terrible_ he feels for how he’s acted.

Patton is morality, a being of goodness, of pure-hearted intentions and softness, but he is not without flaws. That’s what he’s expected himself to be, Janus realizes in that moment of tear-filled confessions and near groveling for forgiveness, all this time Patton has thought that him making a mistake of any kind is an error most foul. And despite everything that he thinks he might say, Janus expresses that it’s okay, that he _understands_ what Patton’s been trying to do, that they’ll be able to find a middle-ground. He tells him that no one else is putting those expectations on him, that it’s far too heavy of a burden to carry.

Janus has never thought he’d be in such an intimate, strange position with Patton, and yet here he is. The issue fully rears its head when Patton throws his arms around him and Janus forgets how to breathe. It’s definitely not a problem, that would be ridiculous, it merely takes Janus aback. _Very_ aback, to a point where he nearly dissolves into a puddle in Patton’s arms before he jerks away, leaving the room without much of an explanation.

This _isn’t_ a problem. Why in the world would something as simple as a hug be a problem? It isn’t, Janus decides, and he strives to cast the interaction out of his mind. Unfortunately, he’s not been doing a very good job of it.

The embrace took Janus by surprise, that’s all. It’s been quite a long time since he’s had a proper hug and he’s just having a little trouble processing, nothing to worry about. At least that’s what he keeps telling himself.

He doesn’t get it; why did Patton’s arms around him feel so _good_? So insanely, overwhelmingly good? Why did the embrace punch the air out of his lungs? For so long, Janus considered his and Patton’s relationship one of opposition and opposition alone… but now… now he doesn’t know.

Okay… fine, maybe this is a _little_ bit of a problem. Even so, surely, it’s a problem he’ll be able to manage. How much strife could such a kind, seemingly harmless person like Patton cause?

As it turns out, quite a bit. Patton isn’t harmless, not at all. He can do so much damage with the slightest graze of fingers, can topple empires as they brush against each other in the hall, can set a fire in Janus’s soul with even the simplest forms of affection. Janus doesn’t know _how_ he’s doing it, but every time Patton so much as touches him, he loses himself a little bit more.

Maybe it’s been longer than Janus realizes since he’s had a decent hug, maybe it’s the fact that Patton gives affection so freely, so openly. Maybe it’s both of those things, but it’s tearing him up inside like so few things can. Janus looked at Patton with disdain but now he can’t help but be filled with so much warmth every time he’s near, let alone when he’s _touching_ him.

Even after their reconciliation, Janus hadn’t been expecting everything to change between them, but now it is, and he’s lost in an abyss of feelings and sensations he doesn’t know how to make sense of. Every time Patton shoots him a dazzling smile Janus is half-convinced he’ll be blinded, and when a hand finds its way to his shoulder, he has to excuse himself and leave the room.

Surely, Patton knows something’s the matter. He’d be a fool not to realize the way that Janus has been keeping his distance, wary and afraid. Janus has always taken good care of himself; being an ambassador of self-care, it would be strange if he didn't. But lately, he’s been holding himself up in his room, hiding from the others, fearing what they might think if they realized how undone he becomes every time Patton is near. Perhaps the already see it, the glint of fear in his eyes, the tremor to his movements if Patton edges too close. And even though he hasn’t said anything, he’s noticed Patton keeping his distance, too, in the rare moments that they’re in the same room. He’s hesitating, and Janus doesn’t know how to tell him that isn’t what he wants, either.

But _what_ does he want?

Janus’s jumbled thoughts are interrupted by a knock at his door. Well, shit.

“Janus? Kiddo?” Janus flinches at the sound of the voice. “Are you okay? You didn’t come down for dinner.”

“I’m fine,” Janus lies, exceptionally poorly for the supposed “Lord of the lies”, “I’ll get something to eat later.”

There’s a pause on the other side of the door and for a moment, Janus wonders if he’s left him before Patton speaks up again, concern etched into his tone.

“I brought you a plate,” he says, “Could I come inside and bring it to you?” Janus’s instinct is to respond with a stern “no,” but doing so is liable to make things all the worse. Worrying his bottom lip, Janus lets out a sigh.

“Sure.” The doorknob turns slowly, revealing a rather anxious looking Patton holding a plate of pasta.

“Thank you, Patton,” Janus says as graciously as he can manage as the food is handed to him, “This **_wasn’t_ **thoughtful of you at all.” Janus knows that such a simple lie might’ve given Patton the wrong impression not long ago, and yet here he is, smiling understandingly and so damn kind.

“Would you mind if I sit with you for a while?” Patton asks, trying and failing to hide the hesitation in his voice. It makes sense; Janus has been so distant lately, and after Patton’s been offering his friendship so carefully, too.

That’s part of the problem, Janus thinks to himself, realization finally sinking in. Janus had never thought friendship with the light side would be possible, but now he wants _more_ than that. More than he ever thought he could desire, especially from the likes of morality. He wants far more than he’ll be given.

Patton’s asked to sit with him, and once again, Janus wants to tell him to leave, but he just can’t bear it. Not with those wide, worried eyes. He can’t wallow in self-pity, not when Patton’s been doing everything he can to be welcoming and warm.

“No,” Janus says, hoping foolishly that he doesn’t sound as much of a mess as he feels, “I suppose not.”

Patton looks relieved at the response and sits beside Janus on the bed. The silence that blankets them hangs thick and uncomfortable. Janus eats his food, knowing Patton’s eyes continue to land on him before settling back on the wall. When he’s finished, he sets the plate aside and thanks Patton again for being so thoughtful.

He thinks, perhaps, that will be the extent of the interaction. Patton was worried that he hadn’t eaten a decent meal and made sure he did so, that’s all. But he lingers, still sitting beside him, eyes darting around, and Janus’s heart is suffering terrible abuse in his presence.

“Jan –,” he begins, reaching a tentative hand out and settling it on Janus’s shoulder. Janus flinches as though Patton’s caress burns, the most violent of his reactions thus far. Patton retracts his hand quickly, wringing his hands as he scoots further away, giving Janus a good deal of distance.

“I’m sorry,” Patton says, softly and apologetically, “I shouldn’t of… I mean, I know you don’t like it when I touch you. I’m sorry… I just wasn’t thinking.” Janus squeezes his eyes shut, warmth blooming where Patton’s fingers grazed his shoulder. It’s too much to handle, too intense, _too good_.

“I… I _do_ like it,” Janus rasps out, despite his better judgment. His eyes aren’t open to see the look of surprise that spreads across Patton’s face.

“What? But… you’ve been so distant lately. I get it…” Patton laughs, but there’s no humor to the sound, “We haven’t always been on the best of terms. A lot of that’s my fault. But then, it felt like things were changing between us. And I liked it,” Patton says, before correcting himself, “I _still_ like it. You’ve just… been pushing away, lately. And I didn’t know how to ask, I mean – did I do something wrong?”

There’s so much fear behind the question, a query that’s clearly been building up for some time now. Janus dares to peel open his eyes, only to be greeted with the heart-wrenching sight of Patton looking so worried for him, so scared that he’s messed up yet again.

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” Janus manages to get the words out, though not without a fight, “I – I apologize, that I’ve made you feel as though you have any reason to think you’ve upset me.” Janus sucks in a breath, wondering when he ever got to be so damned sentimental, “I admit, I have been distant. It’s just…”

“What is it?” Patton asks, compassion dripping into every word. Janus hadn’t known what he’d been missing all those years without Patton, without so much unabashed kindness and love.

“I’m not used to… being touched, I suppose,” Janus admits, ducking his head against his shoulder in embarrassment. It’s been such a long time since Janus has felt such heightened levels of negative emotions and he’s not a fan at all.

“Oh,” Patton says, hesitantly, “I’m sorry, should I – have I been overwhelming you?”

“I…” Janus falters, still not daring to face Patton, “I’m not used to it. But it’s… pleasant.” Patton pauses before realization dawns.

“Oh. _Oh_ , sweetie, how long has it been since you’ve had a proper hug?”

Patton calling him something as soft as “sweetie” of all things makes his chest ache. In all of their recent embraces, Janus has always pulled away after a second or two, fearing what might happen if he just let’s go. But Patton’s asking, so genuinely, and Janus is too helpless not to give in.

“I… I don’t know,” he says softly.

“Would it be okay if I hugged you now?”

Janus looks down at the comforter, nodding slowly.

“Yes… I think that would be okay.”

As gently as possible, Patton puts his arms around him. Janus stiffens, his breath halting, but Patton’s holding him lose enough that it wouldn’t be hard to pull away. After a few moments, Janus realizes he couldn’t pull back if he wanted to. He throws his arms around the moral side, burying his face in his neck. He can feel himself beginning to tremble.

“Jan? Honey, is this okay?”

“ _Yesss_ ,” the hiss slips past before he has time to correct it, “Please, hold me a little longer?” Janus despises the desperation that seeps into his tone. He never thought he’d stoop so low.

“Of course,” Patton says softly, “I won’t let you go. I promise."

Janus clings fervently to Patton, any final hesitations leaving him. He didn’t know being held could feel so good, but now he isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to let go. Patton begins to rub circles into Janus’s back, slow and even. Bit by bit, the tension that Janus has been holding inside of himself these past weeks disperses.

“Janus?” Janus hums in lieu of a real response. “Can you look at me for a second?” As much as he despises the idea of leaving the comfort of Patton’s arms for even a moment, he does so, pulling away so that their eyes meet.

“I… I think there’s something I should tell you,” Patton says.

“What is it?” Janus asks, feeling his heart clench in his chest. Patton reaches for his hand, and even through the glove, the touch sends electricity running through him.

“I –,” Patton hesitates before taking a deep breath and biting the bullet, “I _like_ you. I like you a whole heck of a lot, actually. And I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable – and I understand completely if you don’t feel the same way. I just thought you should know.” Patton rushes the confession out.

Janus hadn’t been expecting this, not at all. But it’s happening, every time Patton touches him Janus feels like a fire’s been lit in his heart and now Patton’s telling him that he has _feelings_ for him. Janus has been torturing himself, keeping space between them in the fear that Janus might melt into his embrace and it was for nothing. Janus doesn’t know if he should be irritated with himself or relieved, so he settles for both.

“I like you too, Pat,” Janus says, the confession raw and unbearably honest, “M-more than I’ve been willing to admit.”

Janus feels himself beginning to shudder again as Patton lets go of his hand, only to cup his face with both hands, his thumb tracing lightly over Janus’s scales.

“Can I kiss you?” Patton asks, so tenderly Janus is half-convinced he’s going to lose consciousness from how overstimulated he is.

Even so, he nods, smiling as Patton’s lips meet his. Patton keeps a steady hold on his face as Janus's hands settle on Patton’s hips. It’s so much, it’s intense and it’s _nothing_ Janus is used to but that doesn’t distract from the fact that it’s incredible. Patton’s lips against his, his hands cupping his face. Each caress stirs something in him, each kiss sets his heart aflame, a fire he hopes never dies.

Janus rides the wave of intense emotions, growing to accept every touch, longing for it rather than shrinking away.

=+=

**Author's Note:**

> This was done as a request on my Tumblr exhaustedfander. I'd love to hear what you thought, and kudos are always appreciated. have a good day/night.


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